TOPICS:
Children
Community
Family
Friendships
Immigration
Religion
Workplace
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Children back
to top
Dear LGBTQ,
I have a bi/gay 15 (soon to be 16) year old son that is having trouble fitting
in. I'm trying to find a center/community for gay people that will help him
meet people.that he can relate to. He has just recently come out to me and his
father. We are fine with it but want to offer support. We live in Rockland
County, NY. Most groups I find start at 18. Thanks for your help.
Proud of My Son
Dear Proud Parent:
. . . and what a lucky young man he is, to have you and his Dad as his parents.
Rockland County has just the program this youngster needs. Their Director
suggests that you or your son contact them through trust@candlerockland.org.
Ask for JR who will be able to tell you all about TRUST which is, ". . . a safe
place for LGBTQ teens and their straight allies to talk, listen and learn about
being different and being the same." JR can also arrange for the TRUST facilitator
to speak with you and/ your son directly . The TRUST program likes to have a
contact before a young person appears at a TRUST meeting just to make sure it's
the right place. TRUST is the perfect group for a 15 year old. Also, if you
want to talk with someone immediately, feel free to call JR at 634-6677 x20.
LGBTQuery Cares
Dear LGBTQ,
I have a very sweet and gentle ten year old son. He is a big help with his
younger brother and sister, and does well in school. He does not seem to like
aggressive games or sports although he is a good ice skater. He does not seem
to fit in too well with the other boys at school and sometimes they tease him.
My husband said it is my fault. He says my son spends too much time with me and
the younger children and that I am turning him into a 'mama's boy'. Is this
true? Am I making him feminine?
A Worried Mom
Dear Worried Mom:
You do have something to be worried about Mom, but it is not your son. You and
your husband are fortunate to have a sweet and gentle and achieving ten year
old boy. The problem is your husband. He is uncomfortable with the ways your
son is not fitting into the box of masculinity that he envisioned. Further, he
builds on that misguided thinking by placing blame on you for a son to be proud
of. Can you talk to your husband about this perspective? If not, consider
support from a counselor listed in the Directory of LGBT Friendly Businesses,
Services and Community Organizations, right here on this website. It will be
wonderful to turn this around now.
Many schools today are embracing programs that deal with bullying in all
itsmany forms, teasing included. If your school is not, you might speak to the
PTA or the principal. Our children deserve supportive and abuse free
environments.
LGBTQuery with a Different Answer
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Community back
to top
Dear LGBTQ,
I'm a 21-year-old woman, looking to meet other lesbian women. The problem is I
am no longer looking for what kids my age look for (drinking, random sex, weed,
etc). I am looking for a loving girlfriend to have a relationship with. I know
what I want, but I do not know how to get it. Dating sites have been no help so
far, and local gay bars and clubs haven't offered much either. Is there a place,
or functions of some type, where I can meet lesbian women my age? Maybe like an
outing or perhaps speed dating? Anything like that in Rockland? Any help would
be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
D
Dear Woman Seeking Like-Minded Young Woman:
I shared your question with JR, the Youth Pride Coordinator (see below for contact
information) at CANDLE, a Rockland County based program with services and support
for LGBTQ youth. I believe his response may be really useful!
"Youth Pride now deals primarily with ages 13 - 23. We have a new group, Triangles,
in collaboration with the Haverstraw Community Center that serves LGBTQ young
adults and allies, ages 18-23. This sounds like it could be the perfect. It is a
supportive and educational group, in the same vein as TRUST, so though people may
or may not find dates there, they will definitely meet up with those who might
become supportive friends. The group meets on Wednesday Nights from 6:30pm to 8pm
at the Haverstraw Community Center, 50 W. Broad Street in the Village of Haverstraw.
LGBT Query please let everyone know that I am available for any questions by email
or phone, as I am one of the group facilitators. JR can be reached at
jcehonski@candlerockland.org or by phone at (845) 634-6677 ext. 20.
Also, Rockland Lesbians might also touch base with the LINK, a Lesbian social organization,
at (845) 364-LINK or email link4women@yahoo.com
Query Knows You Will Find Someone . . .
Dear LGBTQ,
I purchased a home in Pomona 10 months ago and I am going crazy here. I have
not been able to establish any relationships with other lesbians in this
community. I would like to know if there are lesbian groups that I can join.
I am a 48 year old single lesbian, living alone and would love to establish a
network of lesbian friends and/or meet lesbian singles. Please rescue me.
A Lonely Lesbian
Dear Lonely Lesbian:
The LINK is a wonderful thirty plus year old Lesbian social organization,
right here in Rockland County. The LINK advertises in the Directory of LGBT
Friendly Businesses, Services and Community Organizations and can be reached
at 845 364-LINK or via email at link4women@yahoo.com. In addition, Gay Pride
Rockland has events throughout the year that you are most welcomed to attend.
I have added you the email blast list. Have fun! Rockland is actually a great
place to live, work and play.
LGBTQuery to the Rescue
Dear LGBTQ,
I am a mid aged creative guy in the in the film business, mostly NYC. I want to
buy [a home] in a tolerent community in Rockland County, and I saw something in
Chestnut Ridge that looks good, but If I am afraid it could be a mistake. I am
single, average looking, clearly I would be on my own - but not for long. Can
you suggest anything I can get hooked into before making a big decision?
Styling Mike
Hey Styling Mike:
Rockland is a beautiful county - and our Department of Tourism says proudly -
"warm, wonderful and welcoming to all". However, like every other place in
these United States, it is more warm, wonderful and welcoming to some
than it is to others. Many (including the Department of Tourism) are working
together so that some day that will not be true. Until then, there are surely
some communities in Rockland more open to LGBT folks than others. The Village
of Nyack has an openly gay Mayor and has been home to Gay Pride Rockland
since its inception. Though there are surely LGBT folks in every village and
hamlet in Rockland, Nyack (or nearby) might be your best bet. See the
Directory of LGBT Friendly Businesses, Services and Community Organizations
and look under "Real Estate" for just the help you need.
LGBTQuery Supports Gay-Friendly Realtors
Dear LGBTQ,
I have a gay 18 year old daughter that is having trouble fitting in and I'm
trying to find her a center/community for gay people that would help her along
her journey in life. I want her to meet people as herself so she would feel
more comfortable with who she is. She is my pride, I want her to be happy. I
want to help her in any way possible. We live in Orange County, NY.
Dear Wonderful Parent:
What a better world it would be if every LGBT child had this reception from a
parent who affirms them in the way that you do. So even if you don¡¯t find the
place within your own community, don¡¯t underestimate the happiness that your
affirmation will surely bring to your daughter. However, you do happen to live
in a county that has a group already organized that might lead you in the
direction you are seeking. Contact Orange Pride at
www.orangepride.org
Appreciative Query
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Family back
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Dear LGBTQ,
I'm 17 and I just recently came out to my parents that I like girls. Currently
I am in my first REAL lesbian relationship and my parents don't approve of my
partner because she has a bad background. It's true that she does have a bad
background but I was able to see past that because I really like this chick. My
mom even kicked me out because I've chosen to still see this girl even after
she told me not to. I really want to go back home but I'm just not ready to
give up this chick and end things for my parents sake. But I do love them
dearly. What should I do?
A Troubled Teen
Oh Dear Troubled Teen:
You raise several issues for the Query. You have come out to your parents and
you have chosen a woman (chick) you describe as having a 'bad background'.
While your parents seem OK with the fact that you have come out (good for
them!), you say they are not OK with her background. And even their 'kicking
you out' has not gotten their desired result, which would be that you stop
seeing this woman. Query advises troubled teen, who loves her accepting parents
dearly, to take a step back, return home and begin an open dialogue with your
folks. If your relationship is worth saving, and if this is truly a good
partner for you, she will stand by your decision and you'll be giving your
parents an opportunity to be open to - and with - your decisions.
Query Values Accepting Parents
Dear LGBTQ,
I have been with my partner for 15 years. We are very happy together and havea
wonderful life. My problem is my family. Since I have been in this
relationship,my family has never welcomed him to any family gatherings or
holidays. I attendall family functions without him.
I thought that after enough time, my family would welcome both of us. Now I
feelthat this is not going to happen. I do not want to cut off ties with my
familybut I feel that this situation is very unfair to me and to my partner.
What shouldI do?
A Frustrated Family Member
Dear Family Member:
How sad that your family does not celebrate that their child is in a happy
relationship.With more than half of marriages today ending in divorce that
alone shouldbe more than enough to be pleased about.
With that said, what's most important is for you to be clear about what you
wantand what you are willing to do. Forced choice is never easy. If being with
yourfamily at gatherings and holidays is at the expense of being with your
partner,will you continue to attend without him? Are you willing to live with
the consequencesof telling them that without him, you too will not attend?
Perhaps a compromise.You could take a stand some of the time that without him
you do not bethere either.
Whatever you do, respectfully raise bringing him every time, remembering
thatconsistent exposure of your wishes through respectful requests may someday
resultin an overdue change of heart..
LGBTQuery with Patience
Dear LGBTQ,
I¡¯m a middle aged woman and I¡¯m a lesbian. I came out to my family about 12
years ago, only when asked a direct question from my father, "Are you a
lesbian?" I spontaneously answered, "Yes I am." My mother received my news with
nervous concerns. My father responded with anger and disgust in that moment 12
years ago. They have never spoken of my sexual orientation ever since. My
question is, what do I do with this feeling deep down inside that my parents
don't approve and are disappointed in me?
Seeking Acceptance
Dear Acceptance Wanted:
Your Dad might have been grateful that his daughter answered a direct question
with a direct answer. He could have said, "Thank you for sharing your truth."
How normal and natural it is to want our parents acceptance, approval and
support. And how sad it is that for some, that might not ever happen. If you
are in that group, most important is to understand that the problem is in your
parents. It is not about you. They are the product of their environment that
has wrongly taught that orientation other than heterosexual is unacceptable.
Bring this knowledge deeply into your life. It does not have to be said, simply
fully believed. It leaves the path open for your parents to some day
reconsider.
LGBTQuery Never Gives Up
Dear LGBTQ,
I am 18 years old and have known for some time that I am gay. My friends are
pretty supportive. My problem is my mom. She is absolutely horrified. I visit
her once a week and the visits are very strained. I have tried to talk to her
and get her to be a little more tolerant of me and my life but she is very
closed. We always were very close until I came out to her. What can I do?
A Daughter in Distress
Dear Daughter:
Sigh! Sad but true - that our folks are part of the culture that we are all
working so hard to change. Til that happens, don¡¯t give up. Give the discussion
about 'your life' a rest for a while . . . but not the visits. Mom may not be
ready to talk about it yet but she has not said don¡¯t come. And check out our
LGBT Community Events calendar for the next PFLAG meeting. They will
welcome you warmly and share ideas about getting parents to come around. More
likely than not, over time . . . acceptance happens.
The LGBTQuery Optimist
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Friendships back
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Friendships
Dear LGBTQ:
At school I don't have feelings for girls, but I still ask them to be my girlfriend.
I do this in spite of the fact that I don’t have any strong feelings about girls.
Can you help me to understand what is going on with me?
Leila the Student
Hi Leila:
It sounds like you are asking girls to be your friend - because you like them - and
are getting mixed up between friendship and romance. And maybe the girls you are asking
feel confused, too. If you do not feel romantic - you seem to already know that it is
problematic to be leading other girls into feeling that you are. Perhaps you can find
a caring adult at school, a Gay - Straight Alliance advisor, a counselor - someone that
you trust to help. Talking it out has a wonderful way of helping us to greater clarity.
Do give it a try . . .
LGBTQuery says talking can help
Dear LGBTQ,
Last year, I suddenly experienced very strong feelings for a female co-worker.
We have been spending some time together: dinners after work, sometimes a
movie. I think she also has strong feelings for me. I am frightened about what
all of this may mean.
I care a lot about my family. I am a middle aged woman with a husband and three
lovely children. Should I stop spending time with my friend? When I think about
cutting off our friendship I start to cry. What should I do?
Married and Muddled
Dear M&M:
Reading between the lines you may be wondering if the friendship you are
enjoying is a sign that you are a Lesbian. That would be hard to know based on
the experience you are describing. What we can know is that intense and loving
friendships are normal. So is falling in love. And this is true no matter one¡¯s
sex, gender, orientation or even marital status. The complexities of all of
these truths in a world that is so biased against those who are LGBT must not
be underestimated.
At this moment, I would not advise that you cut off your friendship any more
than I would advise that your leave your husband. Consider counseling with a
therapist listed in the Directory of LGBT Friendly Businesses, Services and
Community Organizations who can support you and help you to sort out the full
range of these troubling issues.
The LGBTQuery Notes Complexeties
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Immigration back
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Dear LGBTQ,
I have been involved with the man I love for 2 years. I want to get married in
New York. After that can he be a resident of the US? What steps do we need to
take?
Michael in love with Mexican
Dear Michael:
While we work towards the day when the rules will be the same for all, the
current state of affairs is not promising. One dad advocating for his gay son
said,"The only state that has marriage is Massachusetts. Other than that three
states have civil union, New Jersey (within 6 weeks of Corzine's signature),
Connecticut and Vermont. Unfortunately, even marriage in Massachusetts will not
help with citizenship because immigration is on the federal level."
As a matter of fact, at one point Lamda Legal Defense suggested that his son
NOT get married because it would likely have an adverse affect on his European
partner¡¯s ability to get a green card.
So Michael, no matter what any state does in regard to same sex couples, it
will have no bearing on residency or citizenship as they are federally
regulated. You can find out more about what your options are by contacting
Immigration Equality at
www.immigrationequality.org
LGBTQuery for Marriage Equality
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Religion back
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Dear LGBTQ,
I am a 23 year old gay male. I grew up in a pretty religious home. Since my
parents found out that I am gay, they have been talking to the minister in our
church. He says that there is a special program I could attend which would
change me into a straight person. Is this true? Do these programs really work?
My whole family really wants me to go but I recently met someone I truly care
about. I feel very mixed up.
A Confused Christian
Dear Confused:
No wonder you feel mixed up. Programs like the one mentioned by the minister in
your church do exist, however, these ¡®ex-gay ministries¡¯ are uniformly opposed
by health and mental health organizations. For the few who believe they work,
there are untold numbers who testify that they do not work at all.
What we must challenge is the belief that underlies the reason one enters such
a program; that a gay orientation is morally inferior to a heterosexual
orientation. Such a belief is a dangerous untruth that is often used to deny
LGBT people not only full membership in their churches, but in our society as
well.
There are many Christian faith community leaders who teach that God created and
loves lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people exactly as they are - and
without reservation. To learn more, there are wonderful websites to visit:
www.gaychurch.org, www.soulforce.org, the funny www.homonomo.com and many
others. In the end, of course, you must decide for yourself . . .
The LGBTQuery Believer
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Workplace back
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Dear LGBTQ,
I am a 35 year old lesbian woman and I have lived with my partner for 7 years.I
work in a small suburban school district, although I live in Greenwich
Village.I teach third grade and love my work. I have gotten several awards for
my excellentteaching. My problem is that I am not 'out' at work. Everyone is
always tryingto fix me up on blind dates. I never can talk about how I really
spend weekendsor holidays. I can never show anyone pictures of my vacations. I
never inviteanyone to my home, even when they mention that they will be in the
city. I donot know how long I can keep this up, but I am very worried about
losing my jobif I come out. Any suggestions for me.
A Troubled Teacher
Dear Teacher:
The horribly dehumanizing "don't ask, don't tell," policy of the UnitedStates
Armed Forces exists and has equally negative resonance no matter whatthe
workplace. As such, living and working in heterosexist environments
requirescareful thinking about simply deciding to be who we are in just the
everydayways you describe. Is coming out the answer? Will doing so cause
negative consequences?Could it cause you to lose your job? Will your principal
and co-workers treatyou differently? Obviously, whether or not to make your
sexual orientation knownat work is your decision alone. There is much to think
about and lots of support.Start by checking the website of American Bar
Association www.abanet.org/irr/hr/yared.html,and
The Lesbian and Gay Teacher¡¯s Association of NY
www.gaycenter.org/resources/archive/collection/066.You are not alone in
this struggle.
LGBTQuery Teacher Fan
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